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Letter Excerpt (Paris, 1745) I suppose that I ought, at this time, to give you a fuller accounting of myself if we are to deal plainly and with efficiency when we meet. I was born on Rannoch Moor, in neither the poorest nor richest of circumstance. My childhood was uneventful enough, even considering the most damnable and unfair actions taken against my family by the Crown. In short, although our life was comfortable enough, we had no hope of betterment and constant fear of ruin - which is, I think, understandable in a family which is forbidden by law to utter its own name. When I was a young woman - really, little more than a girl, without much understanding of life - I allowed myself to indulge in an affair that I suppose now I should not have. I have little defence for myself, except that I was young, and foolish besides, and did truly believe that the gentleman would provide and care for me, although he never made any such protestation - and likely would not have even if I had begged the matter piteously. Because of this stupid and foolish indiscretion, I eventually found myself in an unfortunate condition, upon which my father immediately dispatched me to France - most, I think, to avoid any further complications with the agent of my circumstance, who in any case had a family of his own to be looking after - to France and an acquaintance of my father's, with a small sum and instructions to see me safely delivered of my child. This the acquaintance did to the letter, if not in the spirit of the agreement, and after being delivered of both child - a daughter - and money, I was cast out into Paris, babe in hand, to shift for my own self. I am sure that you are aware of the perils and dangers which face any woman in such a position, no matter her age. I had no money, no lodgings, and of the language, I spoke only that little which I had learnt during my confinement - had I not the good fortune to at least have the English tongue, I would not have survived one day in Paris, there being precious few Erse speakers among the French peasantry. In any matter, after what seemed weeks, or perhaps years of starving honourably on the streets, I met, quite by chance, Mme. Gourdan, whom I mentioned to you before. She immediately took me into her home and set about my - as she called it - education. You must not, my Lord, think ill of me for giving in to the temptation of clean linens, fine cloaths, and good food, for I was at that time so broken down by my poor circumstance that I think I would have gladly offered myself up to the devil himself for a hot meal and a warm bed - indeed, that is the circumstance of a great many women today. My daughter, once fed and restored to her naturally good health, was placed by Mme. Gourdan in a very respectable convent outside the city, with the sisters attending to her strictest upbringing and education - I must add, with a mother's pride, that the girl is extremely virtuous, handsome, well-mannered, and possessed of a quick and ready wit; she speaks no less than four languages and writes with a beautiful hand - so the child was well tended. For myself, I suppose that you, as a man of the world and of learning, already have concluded my fate at the hands of Mme. Gourdan - although, in her defence, it was handled with the greatest of care and gentleness, and, in all honesty, I soon found that I liked that life exceedingly well. I applied myself with great care to the studies before me, and became an especial favourite with the gentlemen of Mme. Gourdan's establishment, who counted among them great soldiers, artists, aristocrats, and royalty, and was soon set up for myself in a fine apartment in an excellent district. I made a habit of hoarding my money, and of investing it in divers ways, so that no matter what misfortune might befall me, I might save myself from poverty. I know perfectly well that man's love is never lasting - I learnt that far too young, I fear - and that what looks I may still have are in their declining years; I shall be, on account of such careful husbanding of my resources, well off for the remainder of my lifetime, and should bequeath a good sum onto my daughter. It may be, perhaps, that I am a whore, but I am an exceedingly wealthy whore nonetheless. |